All promises fulfilled.

Dear friends,

You will be happy to learn that we have returned home safely from our journeys. There were so many things learned, so many friends made, so many bony, skeletal hands offered in handshake by moving corpses. It is unquestionably good to be home, but still, the questions begs, when will the next AIMS convention occur? In what city? Will they have a metrolink? Will we know who the 250 point rapper is? By the way, we gave up on that quest and instead unlocked Scarface, who is so fucking cool. We would totally let him punch us in real life. This blog, now complete, began with a photograph, and so it will end with a photograph.

Much love and always,

Brian and Ethan

and they're howling

Riding on a plane is not as scary as being in the airport, but it does have its drawbacks. The air is like that of a tomb, and it feels like death is all around. At times like these it is important to bring things with you, things that remind of home and safety and life. We both are carrying too many books, earphones, mixtapes and so forth, but so far have been happy for the reminders. With nothing to look at out the window except for the tops of clouds, we went looking for peace and comfort in our books, when this was discovered:





And times just keep getting darker.

I can't feel my face

If this button were on the Metrolink, we would assume it communicates "holler" or "hold it down" or some other encouraging saying. Unfortunately, it is on a plane, and planes are notorious for having meaningless buttons everywhere and having no interest in rap music. We didn't push the button, we hate the plane, we can't stand the fact that we have to get on another. The Denver airport is full of aliens, robot voices, total nightmare. We are now glad that we didn't see "Silent Hill" after all because nothing could be more terrifying than this hateful place, where all weapons are allowed, no rules are in place, and people that serve coffee hate their lives so much that the coffee tastes bitter, unlike normal coffee.

The most gruesome and perverted part of the Denver airport (besides the strip search necessitated by the presence of our xbox, undoubtably their dark magic intuited the rap music contained within) is the unholy, neon halo an "artist" built for the airport to create an illusion of goodwill.





We witnessed this offensive desecration while riding on some sort of moving walkway, the kind of thing that animals are led to slaughter on. There are tears in our eyes as we type this ou

They hopin' that they gone catch me ridin dirty

We have decided to examine further the rap-star making phenomenon of the Metrolink. Today was our final ride on the Metrolink, and we were both astonished at the amount of rap music being made on the train. Seated in front of us was an older gentleman with his head wrapped in a tshirt, his rap consisted mostly of laughing to himself and occasional groans. He would probably do really well over those Gravediggaz beats, maybe for his next mixtape? Beyond him was a woman on a cellphone discussing stock options, she was like Jay Z, "not a businessman, but a business, lady." She would work really well with Kanye, obviously. We also discovered that we both were "rapping" with eachother, trading verses about our plane ride, the lack of sleep, how we didn't really enjoy the AIMS festival that much. It was more like "backpacker" emo rap, and we're thinking of asking Slug to appear on the remix.

We tried to get a closer look at the controls of the Metrolink, to see if there were any clues to how a mass transit system could create so many cyphers.





As you can see, the rap is not created by the Metrolink, it's created by the people on the Metrolink! Metrolink is merely a forum for rap music, but a well created and dynamic space for rap to occur. Note the rules:





As you can see, "Radios" are not allowed on Metrolink. However, if you look at the fine print below the image, you can see that it explains "unless the radio is providing beats for rap music." This is to prevent non-rap from filling the soundspace.

There are many ignorant people in the world. Most of these people try and write about rap music. They are all convinced that rap music is somehow related to violence. For these detractors, we have just one thing to say:





That's right, guns and knives are not allowed on the Metrolink, aka the birthplace of hip hop, so how could rap music have anything to do with violence? Thank you.

Grown ups, in between, children and babies

One feature of the xbox is that you can load music into it, like an ipod. No one carries them around like ipods though. The xbox we brought on this trip was purchased secondhand at a mall in Portland. Portland has no rappers or metrolink, so we were shocked to discover rap music on this xbox, like a cobra waiting to strike. There are four songs, one of which is "Go DJ" by Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne is a very special young man, and "Go DJ" is a particularly bright spot in the constellation that is his career. Another feature of this secondhand xbox is that it refuses to recognize the game discs immediately, and we normally have to turn it on and off 30 or 40 times to get the game to start. We recently discovered that the xbox really likes "Go DJ" by
Lil Wayne. When you play the song, the xbox console will almost immediately recognize the disc in question, without any trouble. Once we got the xbox rolling, we spent a lot of time looking at David Banner. He is really really cool.





The sad part of the story is that Lil Wayne used to be best friends with Mannie Fresh, and "Go DJ" is, in Wayne's words, "Courtesy of the young man young Carter and the great man Mannie Fresh." It would take a writer of great talents to unpack the exquisite wordplay of this line, but anyone with a heart can feel the sadness in the severed friendship between these two. Brian and I have watched our friendship blossom while playing Def Jam: Vendetta, and the ensuing discussion. The joy of pairing Method Man and Redman; the humor we found in building tag teams based on origin (for example, Queensbridge rappers vs. ATL's finest); the unstoppable rawness of pairing Lil Kim with Slick Rick. We have decided to offer our xbox and the Def Jam: Vendetta disc to Mannie Fresh and Lil Wayne if they would be willing to put aside their differences and play for a few hours. As long as they understand that it's their responsibility to unlock more rappers and also that the game doesn't actually belong to either of us and if my friend asks for it back, they have to give it back.

St. Lunatics til the day I die

Nelly isn't the only rapper in St. Louis making his mark in the cement. There is a crew of rappers called "Sluts" who "tag" the cement, presumably with pavement saws or perhaps very strong acid. Jackhammers? They let the world know their presence by marking the pavement with the words "sluts were here." People walking on the sidewalk avoid these corners and under no circumstances step on the words. There are members of the "sluts" everywhere, and they are watching. We were unaware of the rules of St. Louis, and made many enemies.

The only thing between us and the outside... is nothing!

Tonight we saw the movie "Poseidon." So many bad things happen during the movie. It's ridiculous. For example, as seen above, a child is trapped on a piano. The movie is really complicated and you might not understand how terrible this could be. In the world of film criticism, "Poseidon" is being compared to another movie: "Titanic." This is a lazy comparison, because both stories involve the ocean. We tried to compare it to other movies with the ocean, primarily "Jaws" and "Deep Blue Sea" and it seems like both movies were way better than either Titanic or Poseidon, thanks to sharks. One way in which Poseidon is better than Titanic is that Titanic only had one love story, while Poseidon had hundreds:

They are all in love on Poseidon! And then they all have sad endings, which is far more dramatic than the one sad ending in Titanic. But for the most part, the movie just involves people getting hurt.

One character in the movie is named Kurt Russell. He is the mayor of New York City and a hero. Every time someone gets hurt, he makes this face:

This is what they call "powerful acting" in colleges all across the country.

Fortunately, at the end of the movie, the heroes are rebirthed in fire.

The fire is so bright that it burns all the moviegoers eyes, and the theaters have to hire extra ushers to bring the audience out of the theater and to their cars. They also hand you candy which helps to slow the building emotion in all of our hearts.

Here are a few quotes from the movie that have become themes of the trip:

"You don't just get the nickname Lucky Larry, you got to be lucky"

(spoken by Matt Dillon's younger, funny looking brother. He is wearing a tuxedo)

"Too big for a piggyback ride?"

"Not today, Daddy."

Dialogue between adult shark and baby shark. While swimming through fire.

With a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of uh uh

Today they put us all on a bus to go visit historical monuments. Above is a photo of the bus, which was built for children and strippers. There were many entertaining features, and a pole. Many men tried to show how to be a stripper on the pole, but we still don't understand, it is a complicated process.

After two hours on the bus, we reached our destination:





Nelly is the star of St. Louis, or "Nellyville." He is really cool. He got his start making metal stars with his name on them and forcing them into cement, this was artistic and also prevented earthquakes. After that he became a rapper. Rappers in St. Louis are only allowed to rap on the Metrolink. You probably remember the anti-Cam'ron rapper from a few days ago, today we encountered two more "future Nellys" on the metrolink. The first one was slow and drawl-y, like Houston. He was banging on the window and bench to create a "beat." The second would interrupt with a breathless, hyperactive style like Big Daddy Kane if Kane only knew seven words. The problem with a breathless style is that he would run out of breath after several bars, it will be a huge obstacle for his career.

We also learned that shortly after Nelly made his name, a new star maker/rapper attempted to follow in Nelly's footsteps, his name was Pulitzer but we've never heard his songs on the radio.

Oh I think I know about my store

So maybe you noticed that we haven't discussed the AIMS convention yet. That is because it's confidential, like Mission Impossible III, which we watched last night. Today at the convention there was a raised voice, and it might have been a bad idea. Someone put their arm around Ethan afterwards, and it was half clumsy comforting, half Hulk Hogan. This picture illustrates everything you would absolutely need to understand about the convention:

I ain't Hov, I just know what I know

So Brian now has a blister on his thumb from playing the video games. We haven't unlocked anyone in 24 hours, as we are saving up points to discover who the 250 rapper is. There are two possibilities but we don't want to discuss it any further. No more speculation. It looks sick, right?

Some other information you are interested in.

1. Brian's secrets. . . revealed:





2. Ethan's drawer. . . unmasked:





"Flipside" by Freeway is one of the default songs on the Def Jam game. It is one of the finest songs ever made. The best part is how Freeway doesn't talk about his kids, like he does in all his other songs, and there's a reference to "Troy" which is a movie. Peedi Crack is also an excellent rapper, and speller. P-I-M-P U-P H-O-E-S for example.

Don't go through the park !

The walk home from the movie theater was really great, it was this huge four lane street and everyone driving along it hated their lives and wanted to die immediately in their cars and hopefully destroy the whole world in the effort. We crossed the street as many times as possible without using crosswalks or stoplights, it was so much fun. We were looking for a store that sold beer, but I think maybe the rules about alcohol are weird in Missouri.

Another weird thing in Missouri is the night sky:





The moon is that weird dark spot about two-thirds down from the top, a little bit to the right of center. It is a full moon and we talk about werewolves all the time.

Then we saw this graffiti:

Tom Cruise can lipsynch, I mean lipread

Tonight we were supposed to go to a resturant called "Riddles Pentultimate" but that seemed overwhelming so instead we walked to a movie theater and saw "Mission Impossible 3" which was also overwhelming. It made me think about those kinds of villains, the ones from James Bond movies that want to control the world with a secret weapon, or more poetically, with fear. Have there ever been people like that in the history of the world? I mean, there have been presidents and dictators with bombs and armies, but never just a guy with a giant laser or whatever, right? So where did this idea come from? Have there been attempts that we don't hear about because of national security? How did screenwriters hear about them then? Anyway, this is totally the best part of Mission Impossible 3, the part where he is dressed up like the guy from Silence of the Lambs and he gets to lipread. You're really going to like it.

Havoc is free, you have to spend points to unlock Prodigy

Okay, the thing about Def Jam: Vendetta is that every time you defeat an opponent, you get five points. You start the game with like 8 rappers and 4 generic muscle guys. Then after you save your points you get to unlock new fighters. There are a total of 74 characters to unlock, which is daunting to say the least. For 25 points you can unlock one of an array of no name muscle guys. Fifty points gets you a rapper. Ghostface is 50 points, as is Slick Rick, Scarface, Lil Kim and, um, Carmen Electra. One hundred points gets you Ludacris. We have been playing team matches because then you have two opponents so we get 10 points for each victory, rushing us onwards to more unlocked rappers. There are a couple of rappers that cost 250 points, you don't get to see them until you've saved up that much so if Brian and I aren't playing the game we're guessing who the 250 point rappers are. LL Cool J is a hot favorite, sometimes I like to think that Russell Simmons is vain enough to make himself a 250 point fighter, but then he does like to stay in the shadows.

The other conversation we have is how cool the game would be if they made it today, you could get Juelz, Jeezy, and obviously Jay Z. Jay would be wearing a suit and he could partner up with the guy from the train and they could freestyle about Cam'ron all fucking day.

Hear me talkin bout checkbooks, credit cards

We went into the room and it was great! There is a TV, a desk, sink, shower, toilet, two beds, several lamps, two telephones, microwave, refrigerator, carpet, pillows, trash cans, nowhere to hide anything. It is totally secretless! We brought three bags with us, Brian's are full of secrets! Mine has clothes, which I put in a drawer. I will post a picture soon! Also I have an ipod with speakers, we immediately played Cam'ron. When we rode the train from the airport there was a guy freestyling, he was really stuck on Cam'ron, and how Cam used to wear pink but now he is wearing purple, and if he [the freestyler] ever saw Cam'ron in a club he would fuck him up. We wanted to see what Cam had to say about that but he was still saying the same rhymes he always does. I guess he is waiting to hear back from Jay Z and isn't so concerned about St. Louis rappers. Yes I did take a close look at the guy to make sure he wasn't Chingy. There was one more thing in my bag and it is about to ruin my life:





or save it.

St. Louis is unstable

"Earthquake" is clearly the worst song on "The Carter", why would they have a button for it?

No one likes to hear the word "bitch" unless Too Short is saying it

This is the best graffiti either of us have ever seen. Ever. It is in the airport in Chicago which is quite a feat since no airports ever have graffiti, presumably graffiti vandals don't have access to planes or plane tickets.

When we got to St. Louis, everyone was at a pool party except us. We were lost in the rain and the kind people of St. Louis helped us find our way. I am terribly provincial and stood around with a bunch of money in my hand looking like a confused tourist and probably should've been punched or robbed or made fun of. Brian went to a bar, the first bar he tried was closed, the second one he was warned not to enter by a young man who had just emerged from an asylum. The third bar was the charm!!

Now we are looking for the hotel.

It must be pretty hard to fly a plane

Everyone the plane was terrible, they showed "Big Momma 2" which was actually pretty great even though neither of us had seen part one and were a little bit lost with the details. It got us up to speed pretty quick. Brian fell asleep and missed the part at the end where the mute kid falls into a woodchipper. Gruesome. It was strange that there was a mute kid in the movie, because Ethan is reading "New York Trilogy" by Paul Auster which deals with angry/crazy parents who lock their children in rooms so that they don't learn any language and theoretically will emerge speaking god's language by some kind of miracle or pre-fall of Adam instinct. The kid in the movie was not like that.

We ate in Fox News Sports center in Chicago which guarantees us both a spot in hell. They didn't show the basketball games and the angry, chubby white people at the table next to us were angry about it. They were angry about everything, but we didn't care.

Leave tomorrow, come home angry on Sunday